General Information

Rather than attempt to explain each vague point, I shall simply allow you to behold to contents of the Toilet Paper Scrolls.....the History of it all......

In the beginning, there was nothingness.....lots and lots of nothingness and an occasional Flamingo. It was from the rare, few eternal Flamingoes that the Great Toaster sprung forth and became ruler of all the nothingness and the Flamingoes. The Flamingoes were bored with nothingness and wanted a change, so the Great Toaster, whose name happened to be Muffin, put his mind to work and created the universe's first creation. He created Fwogwenshnifflebower, a small cube shaped planet just south of the main Flamingo colony, Snurk. Fwogwenshnifflebower turned out to be a horrible flop and was cast out of the Great Toilet Paper Scrolls, which contained the history of the universe thus far. The Great Toaster racked his brain ((which were really composed of non-electric resistors)) until he came up with a solution. He created Htrae. Htrae was a wonderful planet, covered with land and water and breathable air. He decided this great world needed life and so he created a Tater Tot. And he saw that this was good. So he created more Tater Tots. The Tater Tots were gentle loving creatures, but they were bored rather often. So, being a good appliance, Muffin decided to create some entertainment for them. He created Elvis. Elvis played music for the Tater Tots and they grew very happy. But there was something wrong with Elvis, though he was very popular among the Tater Tots, he wanted more. He wanted power just like the Muffin. He decided to turn the Tater Tots against the Great Toaster and start his own religion where he was a god. He called his new religion Potatoism. In this new religion, he said that all Tater Tots were sacred because they were made of potato. And since potato was one of the only plants known on the planet, the Tater Tots felt special and decided to follow Elvis. But Elvis was evil and he slowly turned the Tater Tots into his evil drones.

Muffin watched all of this and became very sad. He decided to make a new race who would be good, to defeat the evil Tater Tots. He called this new race Baboons, except when he announce this to the Flamingo colony, he had a cold and it came out sounding like Badoon, and hence, that is why they are today called Badoons.

The Badoons remained loyal to the Great Toaster and founded a religion in his honor. They called their religion Amish Toaster Worshipping. Because, of course the Great Toaster was Amish and didn't use electricity.

As the years went on, the Great Toaster created five more species. Gypsies and Bandies were the two main species, although the Gypsies almost completely died out for a reason still unknown to everyone because some naughty Flamingo got drunk and forgot to record it in the Great Toilet Paper Scrolls. Not to point fingers or anything, but the Flamingo was Bob, and now we all have Flamingo Bob to blame for not knowing what happened to all the Gypsies. Thanks Bob! Anyway....

Once all these creatures began to populate Htrae, one Bandie complained that the name of their planet was too hard to say. So, with Muffin being away on vacation, the Flamingoes had to decide what to do about it. Bob was still drunk and accidentally said Htrae backwards, which turned out to be a great success and Bob was forgiven for not recording why the Gypsies had died out. So now Htrae was Earth and everyone was happy...except for Elvis and the Tater Tots of course. They hated all the new species because they were not potatoes and decided to try and over throw the Great Toaster and the Sacred Flamingoes.

Elvis threatened the Badoons and the five other minor species by saying if they did not surrender to his rule then he would kill Muffin. Elvis won over a few of the minor species, but the Bandies and the Badoons remained faithful to the Great Toaster.

The last remaining Gypsy remained faithful to Muffin as well. Isabel the Anarchist Gypsy became leader of the Badoon army against the Tater Tots. Isabel began recruiting many other helpful people. One of them being The Good Queen Jenebel, ruler of all intelligent Bandies ((The later changes to all intelligent Bandies NOT named Jen...more about this later. Also see, "The Great Jen Holocaust of 1996".

ANYWAY.....With the help of Jenebel and several others including: Princess Jemy of the Shivering Brigade((also heir to the throne of Greenland)), High Priestess Sqhyanuxsap ((pronounced sha-new-sa)) , The Evil Witch Grezelda((only when bribed with New York Rangers paraphernalia, otherwise she was on the side of the Tater Tots)), The Almighty Dani, ((who happens to be the wife of Princess Jemy)), Feather the Cat, occasionally the Lydzia Bug when she could be found, and Vanessa, Princess of Badoons that Sing Better than Elvis, they waged war against the Tater Tots, proclaiming that Muffin should rule supreme!

This...BOTHERED the Tater Tots severely, because you see, the good forces collectively called the Badoons, announce the war right in the middle of dinner, causing Hortence the Tater Tot to spill her soup, killing 5 Tater Babies and wounding three high Tater Tot Officials, also permanently staining Elvis's favorite outfit, which Hortence was then put to death for. The Tater Tots then sought revenge and started by trying to make loyal Badoons go insane. The Tater Tots would dress up as little lavender men and run around, moving and hiding people's stuff. They would then hide in people's sugar bowls until the next nightfall, move everything back and then leave. This drove several people completely crazy and the Badoon Asylum for the Tater Insaned had to be founded to accommodate them.

The War was begun...it raged...and raged...for many many months. Eventually years...and this is the tale of that War, it's battles, and the people involved. So sit back and enjoy.....have I got a story for you!

Profile 1
Isabel the Anarchist Gypsy

About 6 thousand, 4 hundred and 20 yeas ago, the war a great, beautiful, brave, honored, loved, respected and celebrated Gypsy Warrioress. Unfortunately that was Matilda the Communist Gypsy, not our heroine.

Isabel the Anarchist Gypsy was borne December 16th, 1980. Though not and WONDERFUL as Matilda, she still had her good points. She was pretty ((supposedly)), she was brave ((when she had to be)), she was logical ((only when drunk)), and she was smart ((more of a good guesser really.....)), well anyway, she was an decent heroine, okay?

She had been battling in the great Intermedia Crusades, to put down the rule of Evil King Prichard and restore the rightful rule of Empress Chiapinni. The Great Toaster Muffin admired her bravery and decided that Intermedia could wait on getting a new ruler and decided to put her to a new task. One night, while she was fast asleep, she was visited by an angel Badoon named Gary. Gary told her about the war between the Tater Tots and the Badoons and stressed how important that it was that she accept the job. After three days of thinking about it, and negotiating her pay with Muffin, she agreed to lead the Badoon army in battle.

When she arrived at Badoon headquarters, she found her army ready and waiting for her. Well...actually they were all eating and watching TV, but still, they were all present....well, except for Jimbo and Gordon, but they never show up for anything on Tuesdays, so they don't count.

Isabel then had the long, arduous task of whipping then into shape, which isn't easy considering Badoons are alcoholics and lazy bafoons by nature. She enrolled them all in AA and began a physical fitness program. After two years, they were finally ready to go! Except for Jimbo and Gordon, because the AA meeting were on Tuesdays, and of course, they never showed up for anything on Tuesdays.

In the time Isabel had spent getting her army whipped into shape, Elvis, the evil leader of the Tater Tots had been watching her. he sent spies to check up on the Badoon's progress. He also sent spies to follow Isabel on her dates. You see, Elvis had a secret crush on Isabel. And well...Isabel had never met the guy, but since he lead the Tater Tots, he therefore must be scum. Elvis knew he hadn't a shot in hell of winning her heart, but he did have a decent chance of killing her, which would be almost as much fun. he felt confident he could defeat the Badoon army. Little did he know though, that Isabel was a Spamcular Fuzz Analyst Physicist and had developed some pretty damn kick ass weapons for the Badoons.

Since everyone knows that Spam and Tater Tots just don't mix, that was Isabel's first weapon. She invented the patented Nuclear Spam Bomb™. Now this could wipe out about 8 Tater Tots at a time, opposed to the 1 and a half the Tater Tots usually killed or brutally injured in battle. She also was credited with the invention of the Laser Spam Gun™, which earned her the coveted Spork of Death Award at the 1995 Spam Weapon Inventors Convention. Elvis got EXTREMELY jealous. Isabel was known to the Spam Science world as Atomic Spam Girl, the greatest Spam inventor of our time.

Profile 2
Jenabel

This brings us to the present and also to our next political power......The Good Queen Jenabel, Leader of all INTELLIGENT Bandies NOT named Jen, because all the Jen's were killed in the Great Jen Holocaust of 1996 DUH!

Jenabel started out as a common Bandie, not really of much importance. One day at an Intermedia Football Game, evil King Prichard decided to make all Bandies wear bright fluorescent pink and puce and turquoise plaid cat suits, because he liked the way they looked. Now, having much more fashion sense than King Prichard, the Bandies were mortified. One brave ((well, maybe not brave, we think she was pushed)) leaped from the bleachers, crashing into the field below and knocking down King Prichard. He suffered a severe concussion and was rendered color blind from that point out, which pretty much allowed the bandies to wear what ever they wanted. The Bandies rejoiced and named Jenabel their queen.

Impressed by her ability to lead the Intelligent Bandies ((the stupid ones just sort of wandered around)), Isabel appointed Jenabel to be her second in command. Her first accomplishment as second in command was to systematically eliminate all other Bandies named Jen ((to avoid confusion of course)). This was known as the Great Jen Holocaust of 1996. And from that point on it was declared illegal for any new Bandies to be named Jen. They had to change their names or commit suicide ((It was considered only proper tribute)).

Profile 3
Sqhyanuxsaup ((pronounced sha-new-sa))

Being a Bandie as well, Sqhyanuxsaup ((pronounced sha-new-sa)), became jealous of Jenebel and decided to proclaim herself The Evil Empress Sqhyanuxsaup ((pronounced sha-new-sa)). She wasn't really evil, but it sounded more intimidating. She spent hours meditation on Jello. Rather impressed with her faith, the patron Goddess of Jello, who happened to be Isabel's alter ego, the Head Goddess of Mt. Spam, smiled upon Sqhyanuxsaup ((pronounced sha-new-sa)), and gave her the gift of Jello-izing. Simply by looking into the Evil Empress's eyes, a person would be turned into a blob of lime jello with banana chunks floating in it. The banana chunks of course being a gift of the patron Goddess of Banana's((amongst other things)).

Sqhyanuxsaup ((pronounced sha-new-sa)), having earned the approval of two Goddess's of Mt. Spam was considered semi important and Isabel decided to add her to the Badoon forces, if only for name value. Sqhyanuxsaup ((pronounced sha-new-sa)) was also blessed with one more gift, the gift of Rutabaga Exorcism, a very valuable skill when fight Tater Tots. They're a sneaky sort know to call on the spirits of Rutabaga's to possess their enemies.

Okay, enough profiles for now, let's get some story in eh?
Battle 1
Battle of farmer Bob's Field

It was the wee hours of the morning when Isabel was sudden awoken by one of her guards. Still a bit soused from the night before, not yet enough time had passed for the full blow hangover to kick in, she struggled in a noble battle with her sleeping bag before finally giving up and crawling on her belly like a worm she popped her head out of her purple and orange camouflage tent.

"What?", her eyes half open and her hair in a interesting state of disarray, almost resembling the state of Oklahoma.

Stuttering for a second ((perhaps out of fear? I mean, Gypsies are not known to look good in the morning, let alone when they're drunk.)), "Elvis has staged an attack upon the lower barracks. He's been singing for the past hour straight! Our med ward is overrun with ear bleeds, headaches and spontaneous vomiting fits! What should we do?"

Snapping slightly more alert, again struggling with her sleeping bag, "Why didn't you wake me sooner you bafoon!"

"Um, it's Badoon, but anyway, um...we tried.....", looking sheepishly to the ground, "You started singing show tunes in your sleep. Which..um...no offense m'lady.....wasn't pretty."

Following a slight look of embarrassment, "I see....where is my second in command anyway?"

"Still drinking with the boys down at the Indie 3.6 Pogo Stick Game."

"Ack! Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have let her create her own sporting event. Even if boyfriend beating is a fun sport, I think the Pogo Sticks were a bit much. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have to wear nothing but turbans and pogo on ice. Oh well. We make a good profit on the Boyfriend Beater Shirt market. Go get her!", slight pause, "Wait! Cut me out of this infernal sleeping bag first! I have.....a plan."

The faithful Badoon guard quickly ran down the hill toward the Pogo Stadium after Queen Jenebel. After being cut free from her sleeping bag ((which to this day we believe was made in a Tater Factory)), she quickly rushed to her podium and cranked up the speakers. Once having Jenebel arrive ((a bit drunk herself as well)) she explained the plan. After a brief meeting with the Badoons, warnings were issued as well as ear plugs and everyone was instructed to go in their tents and put pillows on their heads. At the count of 4 the two began to sing as loud as possible ((which also turned out to be terribly off-key as well. Isabel and Jenebel were not known for their singing voices)). After 4 times through "La Bamba" and one and a half times through "Eres Tu", the Tater forces gave in and surrendered. Elvis was chased off the field by farmer Bob, who had been kind enough to lend the Badoon army a bit of land to camp on, as well as all the veggies they could eat. All in all, it was a good battle.
Badoons 1
Taters 0

Okay, Back to the Profiles!
Profile 4
Tess

Though Isabel was a noble Badoon fighter, the rest of her family was...um..not all that patriotic to the same cause. Isabel as you see was one of three triplet sisters. The other two gypsy sisters being Vanessa, Princess of Badoons that Sing Better than Elvis and Tess, Princess of All Good Potato Products and All Forms of Happy Drinks, Undercover Assassin Badoon of the Tater Tots Against the Anarchist Badoon Army, and Creator of Many Unpleasant Odors. Though the three got along, they weren't all on the same side. Which made family reunions a pain, lemme tell ya! Especially since Tess had this "thing" against the potato sack race. something about it being in-tatermane. Oh well, getting back to how this all happened.

You see, we don't know much....about Tess or any of the gypsy sisters for that matter thanks to Bob the Flamingo who inadvertently left the potion of the Toilet Paper Scrolls that contained their birth record out in the rain. And since Badoons are very environmentally conscious, it was the quick biodegrading kind and disintegrated. So what I am about to tell you, is what historians scientific study has deemed what happened. Okay, it's a guess really, but a good one.

One day, during a Tater raid of a small village of gypsy and munchkin people, the house of the gypsy sisters was ransacked. Well, more like rearranged. The Taters didn't really like to break things, just move them around to confuse and annoy the Badoons. and occasionally taking home bean bag chairs. ((Elvis didn't allow them, so they were a rare treasure for any Tater to have. They sold at high prices on black markets.)). It seems little Tess happened to be sitting on one of them and was accidentally taken home by a Tater. WAIT! No, that was Cher. Sorry, wrong story.

Tess was the one mistaken for cheese! My bad. Let's all thank Bob again for loosing this portion of our treasured history. THANKS BOB.

Continuing, Tess was mistaken for cheese by a semi-blind Tater named Oomph. And by the way cheese DOES go well with Taters. Seems to be one of the few remedies that has any effect on Spam poisoning. Carrying on. Tess got thrown in with the cheese, which became forgotten and old, and when cheese gets old it gets smelly. Therefore, when she was finally removed from the cheese she smelled bad and hence earned the last part of her title, "Many Unpleasant Smells". The Tater who cleaned her out of the cheese, who went by the name of Bubba Tot, saw her and took her home to kill her. He was watching TV as he sharpened the knife that he was to use to murder the baby, but accidentally cut himself as he wasn't watching what he was doing. So he left to go bandage himself up, then returned, sat down, and finished watching the program, removing his glasses so he could easily see the TV screen, which was far away. Thus, being far-sighted and unable to see Tess clearly, he mistook her for a Tater and, although she smelled bad, decided not to kill her. There were a few more mix-ups during which time Tess got handed from Tater to Tater and eventually ended up in the royal house, where Bubba assured the King that Tess was a Tater. And thus, Tess was brought up with Tater values. Though, Isabel and Vanessa were granted visitation rights.

Profile 5
Vanessa

Ah yes, the remaining gypsy sister, Vanessa, Princess of Badoons that Sing Better than Elvis . a well respected title amongst the Badoon community. For concert ticket information write to:
Vanessa and the Anti-Elvites
124 Flamingo Avenue
Toaster Square, Fnorp 12347

Anyway, as you know Vanessa was one of the triplet sisters of Isabel and Tess. Vanessa, being the youngest ((by four minutes and 23 seconds, wait no, it was 24....))happened to be the quietest as well. For the longest time the Badoons thought she was mute as did Isabel. Isabel made all the Badoons take sign language class each Tuesday night. But of course Jimbo and Gordon never show up for anything on Tuesdays and stayed home. Completely by accident Gordon happened to walk in on Vanessa in the shower which gave us two of the most incredible break through's of our time!

1. You CAN break those unbreakable plastic shampoo bottles if you hit someone hard enough with them.
2. Vanessa could sing! And better than Elvis by popular survey!

So, Vanessa, with the aid of Isabel's band ((Which was a horrible flop since Isabel couldn't sing)) formed Vanessa and the Anti-Elvites. Their first single, "Taters look like Turds, let's flush 'em" stayed at the top of the charts for almost a year, which not only increased the Badoon HQ's annual income, but boosted moral! It's also suspected that the band attracted some Tater fans, which pissed Elvis off, so the Badoons threw a party, as they always do when they manage to piss Elvis off. After all, what better to celebrate?

So the Badoons had new inspiration and Elvis's record sales plummeted. It was a good find and Gordon was forgiven by everyone but Vanessa who still carried around a bottle of shampoo for protection.

Profile 6
Jemy

Princess Jemy of the Shivering Brigade, Mistress of the Laughing Dancers, High Priestess of Chaos and heir to the throne of Greenland was born...well...to be honest we don't know where. But I assure you, as soon as we figure it out, it shall be a historic site. Anyway, how about a slight interruption for a bit of a tale that came straight from Jemy herself eh? yes, that's right, written by Jemy, so sit back, relax and let's get to know the heir to the throne of Greenland shall we?

Princess Jemmy stands in a trench, her faithful Feather perched (as usually) on her shoulder. She wears an army helmet with a few leafy twigs stuck in it, and has a massive cigar stuck in the side of her mouth. She also wear a black, form-fitting dress and a hot pink tutu. Pacing back and forth, she give a speech to her teeming legions of Shivering Brigades and Laughing Dancers and Small Furry Thinks That Go Boink When You Hit Them With A Large Hammer ((SFTTGBWYHTWA's))*

Men.. Women.. Things.. Fluffies.. Etcetera.. We are at war. I have pledged our support to the Badoon Army against the evil Tater Tots... And the Tater Tots are getting restless. The time has come to act... And act now. Ladies and Gentlemen.. and whatever.. the time has come o lift arms (and legs) in support of the Badoons. The time has.. of fuck this. CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!!!! *The Shivering Brigadiers, Laughing Dancers, and SFTTGBYHTWAs scramble over the top, in a massive tidal wave over towards the evil Tater Tot strongholds* Hey Wait WAIT!! WRONG WAY!! LEFT! GO LEFT!! *watches as the tidal wave of Chaos veers left, towards the.. yadda yadda yadda... she sits down, face in hands, spitting out the cigar* SO damn hard ta find good Chaotic legions these days...

Ah, okay, now we are back. With this lovely description of our valuable Princess Jemy, there are only a few more things yet to mention. Her Assistants! There is of course, Dani, Queen of the Fish-People and Feather the Wonder Kitty. But alas.....since Bob seems to have used the certain portion of the scrolls that contains her history...((Let's all stare at Bob now and see if we can make him uncomfortable. Come on! It'll be fun, I promise.)) We may never know more.....

More Story Time!!!
Battle 2
The Battle Of Jell-o Ridge

It was a hazy morning sometime in June...wait now, it was February, my bad. It was a warm day though...unusually warm..about ninty degrees...yanno, the kind of weather where you just wanna whip out the Speedo's and purple polka dot bikini's and play Twister on huge mounds of avocados? ...

Wait, I am completely off subject, let's start again. Like I said, it was a warm hazy morning in February.

Sorry to leave you hanging...and frankly I'm impressed you endured all the way to the bottom of the page. That is all there is for now...